The Dumbest Tradition in MLS History

And why a tortured Columbus deserves our pity

Has there been a fanbase more fucked with over the past few years than the Crew’s? No way. The most evil part of the universe identified Columbus as its favorite plaything and would violently rattle it until something appeared fractured, bleeding, or perplexed — all in the name of amusement. This world can be a cruel bitch with a sick sense of humor and no one knows this better than the soccer diehards of Columbus.

Yeah . . . I know — all of Austin is supposed to hate Crew fans because CBus2ATX or whatever, and how their fans were def planning to trash our stadium restrooms. It’s all a conflated narrative between a few harmless idiots on either side of the conflict — the real rub is that most of us Austinites don’t give a damn. In fact, I think the universe needs to take a chill-pill and lighten up on the Columbus Crew’s fandom.

SPOILERS AHEAD: In case you haven’t heard, the Columbus Crew were betrayed and almost moved to Austin by their then owner, Anthony Precourt. A battle between Uncle Tony and the fans ensued, everyone got pissed, and then Uncle T. gave up his team provided Major League Soccer award him an Austin franchise.

Fate’s long and twisted fingers flicked at the battered Crew fans again when their team’s new ownership debuted a standard issue flat/minimalist logo that no one asked for.

Once Crew fans seemed to come to terms with their new emblem, the team’s ownership group felt the need to inject some more misery into the world and debuted their newest — and shittiest — logo to date, while rebranding this O.G. team from the Crew to Columbus S.C.

I don’t think Crew fans are Biblically plagued; They’re defending MLS Cup Champions playing in a brand new stadium — but there really is something bizarre happening to them. It feels like the years of abuse finally broke them and now they’re acting as misguided as the organization holding four logos over an eight year timespan.

Somehow, this ill-conceived dumpster fire of a tradition made its way through the decision tree. The front office either forced fans to do this as a sick prank, or the fans became so punch drunk they came up with this bullfuck on their own. I’m not saying it couldn’t be modified into one of the league’s best, but one thing is clear: in its current state, this thing deserves to be mocked.

Go ahead — play the video on repeat. You will want the sound off after the 2nd rotation but the visuals will keep you watching. Let the cringe really wash over you:

I see three fans dressed as construction workers, done either as a troll or nod to their original logo. Two of these fans have no discernible responsibilities, and I wonder why they weren’t given some kind of symbolic task besides aimlessly standing there. The gal in the middle is pretending to jackhammer through an already busted brick, while a steel plate with a spray painted Rev’s logo sits underneath.

What is the meaning of this?

They pretend-break a brick only to hammer onto an indestructible steel logo of their opponent — Mmmmk. It would be a lot cooler if the chunk of concrete was molded to look like the opposition’s logo and then you broke it to pieces. Whatever this lady is trying to prove isn’t working, and the jackhammer is inching awfully close to her right foot. An unscripted accident full of bloodshed sure would have made any crowd pop! Damn . . . maybe I’m onto something.

[Obligatory McConaughey meme incoming]

My guy with the long hair is clearly high on something. Whether he did this for recreation or to numb himself to the day’s festivities is something we may never know. This ex-SoCal bro knew he wasn’t handling any heavy machinery today, so he got blazed out of his mind and showed up to aimlessly stick his arms out and yell a single Keanu-esque “Whooooa” to the crowd.

You’re doing God’s work brah.

The guy on the right can hardly contain himself from rattling and shaking as if he’s having his first sexual experience in front of 20,000+ onlookers. The glaring issue here is that no one could be so genuinely into cosplaying a construction worker while watching a tiny brick being pulverized next to a football pitch. This man is surely a front office plant, paid to stand next to this garbage and behave like a buffoon for the amusement his employers. If not a plant, he is simply not sound of mind to make healthy decisions for himself. Either way, I can’t come up with more logical explanations.

The saddest part of this ritual’s debut is the utter lack of excitement from onlooking surrounding crowd. The background fans appear to be reacting with total disbelief or disapproving astonishment. I wouldn’t be surprised if Columbus fans are boycotting this new custom and demanding a fifth logo be created — this time by the supporters. I can’t look away from the train-wreck.

This is a fanbase that can’t catch a break from itself. To add to the insult, the Crew couldn’t get one up on Austin by scoring the first goal in Austin’s Q2 Stadium and let the New England Revs score the first goal on Columbus’s new turf. This is not a fanbase that deserves our hate — they only deserve our pity while they navigate these strange times.

Chin up CBus.