Adrian F’n Healey

“Don’t waste time waiting for inspiration. Begin, and inspiration will find you.” – H. Jackson Brown Jr.

:::::::::

Looking forward to anything beyond the COVID-19 dread can mean the difference between developing zen-like patience or a seriously debilitating opioid habit, only sustainable through a most unsavory vocation like exotic animal trafficking or opening an OnlyFans account. It’s imperative to find healthy and sustainable ways to keep your mind occupied while we wait this situation out. Imagining myself shuffling into a Springtime Austin FC home game is just one of those special little daydreams that help me stay sane and keeps me from wandering towards more deviant ways to pass my time. The thread from which I’m hanging feels thin — any comfort helps.

Austin FC announcements serve as small milestones, little beacons lighting a path towards normalcy where we can do things like watch live footy at full stadium capacity without the concern of spreading a virus to our fellow Austinites. Since the beginning of this lousy pandemic, we’ve been receiving a steady drip of updates about our soon-to-begin Major League Soccer franchise. Just as I was noticing the onset of informational withdrawal, AFC provided me with my necessary news fix.

While unveiling something like our team’s broadcast commentator lacks the sex appeal of announcing million-dollar player acquisitions, we certainly shouldn’t downplay its importance. Based on just his name and photograph, I’ll admit to not immediately discerning who Adrian Healey was, but as soon as I heard his familiar voice, I was able to recall that voice accompanying many important Major League Soccer games. We’re not talking about some local broadcast knucklehead — Adrian is the Real Deal. I’m not sure where being one of the MLS greats places Adrian in the universal rankings of Sports Commentating, but when it comes to Major League Soccer, I can assure you, he’s dynamite.

One bad British Mutha fucka

If you haven’t spent two seasons watching condensed replays of every regular season MLS game, well my friend, you’ve spared yourself from hearing some genuinely Busch League game commentary. For those of us with an occupational necessity to go down such a rabbit hole, we know just how horrid the local commentating can get. The announcers speak with the verbal clarity one would liken to a professional, but they utter things so profoundly stupid that you feel inclined to watch the game on mute or find a less painful way to spend ninety minutes of your life. Evidence:

I Remember My First Beer

WordPress not letting me embed video. Sick. Here is the link.

Get This Man a Coffee

Hey – FU WordPress

The only MLS voice comparable to Healey’s would be his own frequent broadcast booth partner, Taylor Twellman. Twellman’s narration is exciting and at times aggressive, while Healey is more articulate and subdued. They both both make MLS games more engaging, and together, they make as close to a perfect broadcasting pair you will find in the soccer-speaking world (The USofA).

For the uninitiated Austin MLS fan, just know that comparing Adrain Healey to Taylor Twellman is like comparing Biggy to Tupac; they’re equally as good and grading them differently would only come down to personal preference. Comparing either Healey or Twellman to any of the current local MLS commentator crop would be just as silly — borderline disrespectful. That would be like comparing Notorious/Pac to Vanilla Ice. Comparing the Avengers to the Suicide Squad. Star Wars Episode IV/V/VI to the prequels. Intercourse to abstinence. We’re getting someone of a totally different ilk.

We could all use some quality sports commentary right now — more than ever — and especially Austin. With a potentially fanless home-opener on the horizon, Austin FC fans could swear off the sport entirely if forced to watch poorly commentated footy by one of these other MLS dorks (godspeed San Jose — I don’t know where you find the strength). Adrian Healey is given the heavy task of pulling this fan base through the inaugural muck of forced home-viewing, so we can still arrive chipper and ready to spend our hard earned dollars on reasonably overpriced McKalla Place beers. You’ve got this Adrian. I am a believer.

This is seriously positive news, folks. I’m still not exactly sure how Adrian Healey was lured to Austin or if we even deserve him at all. Luckily, none of that really matters, because he is one of us now.

A fellow Austinite . . .

. . . Our neighbor . . .

. . . Our narrator . . .

. . .

Our guy.

Poetry

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s